this was from my dearest victoria, who comforted me when i feel like crap..

For love comes much as a gift,
Not as a pain to be put up with.

To You.
I know that you feel like your heart's been ripped out,
torn,
shattered.
Know that I'm always here to listen to you.
Though I may not always know the right words to say,
Or how to advice you,
Or how to cheer you up,
I'll always be here for you! =)

Crying tsunamis and oceans do not exactly help,
but it does help to cry.
It makes you feel loads better.

Do not think yourself of having wasted 2 months
or any part of time
With him.
But think of it as
getting to know him better.
Although I know how much you just want to HATE him,
you can't, because,
Love makes it that way.

Do not hate that you fell in love with him,
And compare yourself with the OTHER girl.
Because,
No one can ever compare to you!

You are beautiful,
you are absolutely the life of a crowd where ever you go,
You've got the sweetest smiles,
You're absolutely wonderful,
AND...
ITS HIS LOSS!!!!

Too bad for him. bleah.

Lots of Love,
Vicky<3

----------

THANK YOU VICTORIA!!!!!

okay anyway, I AM OKAY. I CAN SHOW THE WORLD THAT I WON'T LET ANYTHING GET ME DOWN :D

thank you everyone who have helped in one way or another. those who listened to me cry, i am really really sorry y'know! i don't know why i couldn't stop. they just keep coming out! i cried, and cried, and cried until no more sound came out! REALLY SORRY!!!!!

after these SIXTEEN DAYS of crying with 4 tsunami of tears within 2 days, i have become a much stronger person. i will use this experience to tell others that i know what they've been through.

i know how it is to have had your heart broken and cried at every love song you heard. i'll know how it feels like when you feel like you've lost everything but your friends are every willing to embrace all your pain and cry with you. i'll know how it feels to see the one you love everyday, knowing he only loves you as a friend. and i know what it means when people say that loving someone isn't about possesing them, but wanting and knowing that they're happy.

and for now, i am no longer seeing him as someone i used to. but instead, i see him as one of my good friends, and i'll love him for who he is as a friend. and as what friends do for each other, i'll do it for him. and as to love someone, i'll only want him to be happy, and i'll be there for him when he needs me, because i know he's comfortable with me.

now, i have a million and one things to accomplish after spending SO MUCH TIME crying!

so here's something that i'll live by:

If You Really Love Something Set It Free.
If It Comes Back It's Yours, If Not It Wasn't Meant To Be

and here's one more that says alot:

Some Day You'll Cry For Me Like I Cried For You,
Some Day You'll Miss Me Like I Missed You,
Some Day You'll Need Me Like I Needed You,
Some Day You'll Love Me But I Won't Love You

-------

YAY ME!

so since i've welcomed someone back into my life as a friend after everything, i'll out some touching quotes:

People won't remember what you did.
People won't remember what you said.
But, people will remember how you made them feel.

So often we don't say 'I love you'
because we fear losing someone,
but more often we lose them
because we fear saying 'I love you'

Can miles truly separate you from friends?
If you want to be with someone you love,
aren't you already there?

Side by side or miles apart,
friends like us stay close to the heart.

Closeness isn't always measured in distance;
friends can live many miles away,
but the bond of love formed long ago
always keeps them close at heart.

Our Friendship: A two way road to a perfect love.

A friend is someone who will walk
the long way when you don't want to hop the fence.

Money and power only last the hour,
but friendship and love withstand the sky above.

You have done it
Without a touch,
without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means
After all.

Friends are like wedgies.
They're intimately close.
They know you're inner self.
And it feels great when you pick out a good one!

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.

-------

ah, WONDERFUL! :D

oh! and one more thing that amelia taught me:

I Will Survive

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side,
But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew stong
And I learned how to get along
And now you're back
From outer space,
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon you're face,
I should have changed that stupid lock,
I should have made leave your key,
If I'd known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Just turn around now,
Cause you're not welcome anymore,
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbyes
Do you think I'd crumble?
Do you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no not I

I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I will survive
I will survive
Hey Hey!

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high.
And you'll see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
Still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my lovin'
For someone who's lovin' me

Go on now go
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
Did you I crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no not I

I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Hey hey!

----------

AWESOME STUFF!



i have always helped people, i have always been there for them.

but now, i really don't want to be there for him anymore. i feel used, cheated and hurt. i feel like i was taken for granted.

i was there when you needed someone the most. i was there when you had no one to keep you company. i was there when you feel sad. i was there when you had something to share. i was there when you had problems. i was there when you were scared.

and now who's there to be your joy? it isn't me. not even as a friend.

because you don't need me anymore. all you need is her. all you ever want will be her. i have become a thing of the past, just someone there for you to go to when you have trouble.

everything's easier said than done. i have lways told people to forget about those other people when they go through what i'm going through, but when it comes to me, the pain is multiplied 500 times and all that i have told others become just words with no meaning.

I'm searching for love, love from friends and love from God. as i sat down crying yesterday, i felt a great feeling of arms wrapped around me. my heart ached and i cried even more. i knew it was the Lord Jesus. it was He who felt my heartbreak, He who came to me in my darkest and saddest moment, He who came to be my support, and even brought all of my friends along with him. the Lord Jesus came to be with me as i cried my heart out, He held my hand and cried along with me, and He shouldered more pain than i did.

i feel so small to what the Lord has done for me and given me: my precious friends.

and now i'm thinking of the story of the footprints... because it was exactly what the Lord did for me. and as i searched for a song to listen to, and know that God is near, the song was "You Are Mine".

----------

the story...

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking
Along the beach with the Lord.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene,
He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
He looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
There was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened
At the very lowest and saddest times in his life.


This really bothered him
And he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You,
You'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that
During the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed
You most you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
When you see only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

---------

and the song....

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

---------

i cried more than ever... and now, i just offer it all up to God... and here's the song I'd sing if i were strong enough and not cry:

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them Yours

Lord, I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for your Glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You as a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

What can we give that You have not given
What do we have that is not already yours
All we possess are these lives we're living
And that's what we give to you Lord

---------

thank you everyone who were there beside me every step of the way, especially victoria. thank you for everything, and thank you for the blog post. it was very sweet but it didn't really make me feel better.....

I really love all of you. thank you for all your hugs and kisses, smses and phonecalls, notes and cards, tags and emails/msn conversations.



one of my most favourite songs.. but it made me cry when i was in church..

--------

When love is found and hope comes home,
Sing and be glad that two are one,
When love explodes and fills the sky,
Praise God and share Our Maker's joy.

When love has flowered in trust and care,
Build both each day, that love may dare,
To reach beyond home's warmth and light
To serve and strive for truth and right.

When love is tried as loved ones change,
Hold still to hope though all seems strange,
'Til ease returns and hope grows wise,
Through list'ning ears and opened eyes.

When love is torn and trust betrayed,
Pray strength to love 'til torments fade,
'Til lovers keep no score of wrong,
But hear through pain love's Easter song.

Praise God for love, praise God for life,
In age or youth, in calm or strife.
Lift up your hearts! Let love be fed,
Through death and life in broken bread.

---------

you'll feel it when you sing it...



for everyone who's had their hearts broken just as i did...

There are times when I cant decide whether to see you or not, I want to see you because I miss you but there are times when I dont want to see you because everytime I do, the fact that you dont see me the way that I see you hurts me even more ...

-- Author Unknown

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.

-- Harry Crews

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.

-- Author Unknown

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.

-- Alexander Graham Bell

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.

-- Jan Glidewell

Just so you know, there's a space that only you can fill. Just so you know, I loved you then, I guess I always will.

-- Author Unknown

Love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when your heart gets broken, it takes a while to get everything back together.

-- Author Unknown

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

-- Anais Nin

----------------

i just pray that you'll be happy with her. i have told you i'm okay, so i won't show it to you. i'll keep it all inside, i'll make sure i conceal it. i'll show you that it's your loss and not mine, i promise i'll live a better life.

till then, i'll try not to love you anymore, Gareth.



i feel like as though a rock has crushed me. i don't want to ever do anything again. these 7 months have been the best and worst. i really felt so much like a loser, crying everyday like nobody's business.

when i was alone, i cried. when i was bored, i cried. when i was thinking, i cried. when i slept, i cried. when i was talking to friends online, i cried. when i was on the phone, i cried. while i anticipated, i cried. when i knew what was going to happen, i cried. when i drank, i cried. when i didn't drink, i cried. when i was sad, i cried. when i was happy, i cried. when i knew that i thought too much, i cried. when i was hurt, i cried. when i didn't eat, i cried. after i ate, i cried.

i have cried an ocean in the last few days. i spent half my time crying instead of loving myself. i spent more than half a year on nothing, and when my heart was broken, i cried. i cried so hard that my eyes couldn't even open. they hurt when i touched them, and they had a burning sensation. i can't help but cry when someone says things to comfort me or try to make me laugh. it makes me cry even more when they call me up to hear me cry. i spend half the time sobbing and screaming into the phone.

as i type this, i can feel another round of tears overflowing from my eyes. first i start by sniffing and by saying that i won't cry. then the tears start flowing and won't stop.

my heart was so heavy over the last few days. i forced the best smile i could, hoping that no-one would see through me and leave me in tears again. why did i even bother to hide? if i was sad, i should've just shown it. why did i hide alone to cry? i should have shared my pain. but with who?

nobody is responsible for this pain i've inflicted on myself. why did i allow myself to sink in deeper and deeper? why did i allow myself to cry all the time? or rather, why did i NOT restrain my tears.

i'd rather you be indifferent to me, then i could get mad at you, hate you and finally let go of you. but everytime i'm told something, i can't help but smile because that's the way you are. i cried when i was assured, i cried when i was touched, and now i'm crying because of the heartbreak. i cried for everything i thought i knew and didn't know, i cried for everything i had. i cried for everything we shared, i cried for all the memories.

my heart was there, and it's nobody's fault that things turned out this way. it had always been a one-sided thing. my heart had been ripped apart too many a times, it had been broken and it had been put in the most fragile position possible, only to crumble at the slightest thing that touches it.

my heart skipped every other beat, it dropped and it was stabbed by a knife only to be viciously ripped out. i was torn apart when i knew about things, and the only thing i did was to tell my friends and cry. i said i hated you and i said that i was angry with you, but never once did it ever happen. i said i was never going to talk to you again, i said i wasn't going to talk to you until you spoke to me.. but that never happened once.

i thought it'd be easy to let go of you when i knew your answer, but i'm still in denial and it is harder than i expected it to be. i don't know how to face you, how to face my friends and how to even face myself. i'm so ashamed of myself for everything i've done.

and i'll be honest here, whatever little self-confidence i had left has disappeared already. no matter what everyone says, about how lovable, adorable or nice my smile is, it's never going to make me feel the same way about myself again.

i've played with fire and it was never anybody's fault.



GOSH I LOVE VICTORIA AND DANELLA!

victoria is so sweet and danella is hilarious!

victoria: he said "I CAN'T TELL YOU" and "NOT NOW". so........

danella: YOU ARE REALLY SO FUNNY Y'KNOW! SIGH, YOU'RE REALLY AWESOME! and thanks for standing up for me! hahaha you were so extremely cute! i guess you made the both of us laugh till we were all in stitches!

i think gareth is really silly lah.

so much for not the right time..........

i'm pretty sure my assumption is correct so once again, i'm not putting any hopes on him until something does happen (again?).

oh a lighter note, shaun seems a little different these days.......... he's a little more.......... comfortable to be with. as in, not that he wasn't before, but the feeling's different.

OMG AND GUYS THESE DAYS ARE REALLY SO UNGENTLEMANLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY DON'T EVEN HOLD THE DOORS FOR GIRLS THESE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOSH. GOODNESS ME! what are they all learning! seriously mann...



what's there to be confused about?

you KNOW that you don't like me. so why do you have to think, or be confused about anything?

i'll answer it for you.

but if you really want an answer yourself, i suggest you come talk to me. maybe it'll help you to realise if you really do like me or not.

and don't worry about me, because i'm still here.

you're making me feel so weird talking to you!

COME ON! I'M NOT ALL THAT SCARY, AM I?

I NEED HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

i've bared my whole heart already, and i don't know what i want.

i need a hug :(



i guess it just wasn't enough.

but i'm glad that i wasn't the rebound/substitute, or it'd have broken my heart more.

not enough to make it, not enough to even start.

but i really appreciate the honesty. i guess i was half right all along, and so were the others. he does (did) like me, but he knew it wouldn't work.

i just hope that everything will be fine today.

Thank you Lord, for giving me an answer. though I've waited a long time for this, I'm glad to have gotten my long-awaited answer.

my current mood: i'm feeling happy though my heart has been broken and ripped out time and time again. however, i'm very happy to have found the best kinds of friends you'd ever want. the kinds that I'd thank God for over and over again.

to victoria: thank you so much for having done so much for me. i'm really very very grateful that you sacrificed your sleep to play mediator. thank you so so much for everything and helping me to find my answers. i can never thank you enough, really. and i had a good sleep yesterday. no dreams at all, which means my brain has finally relaxed and let go of everything.

to gareth (if you'll ever see this): thank you for everything. last night didn't go very smoothly and i'm glad that you really came honest with me. thank you for reassuring me, thank you for telling me the truths, and thank you for finally giving me an answer. and to be honest, though my heart was breaking, i expected your answer and it wasn't as painful as i had expected it to be. maybe it was because i've given up on you already and i know that you're a friend that i can count on. thanks alot, and i'm sorry if this whole episode has made it awkward, but i have forgotten everything already so there's no need to be awkward or weird with me.

i feel so much better now.

over the last few days, if i wasn't sleeping, i was crying my eyes out. if i wasn't drinking, i was crying. if i wasn't wrapping presents, i was crying. if i wasn't out shopping, i was crying.

stupid isn't it? christmas this year was filled with tears, but i guess it was just me.

and one more thing, i'm fine the way i am. it's me if i whine and make a big fuss out of every, over-reacting and all, so i'm happy the way i am. if i don't do any of the above, everyone will know that something's wrong with me, right victoria? i'm glad i never changed just to fit you, because i'll never receive the same from you as i have given. so...

I'M HAPPY BEING SINGLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

and right now, i'm not ready for any sort of romantic relationships. i might ignore you if you advance too fast. but if you're a friend, i love you all the same, or maybe even more, because my heart isn't 99% filled already, and my friends have my whole heart. thank you very very much :D

and to jianeng: i've just recieved your card today! thank you so much! however, gareth and I are over, so you don't have to worry about me anymore. thank you so so much and you're the bestest! I LOVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS!!!!!!!!!!!



finally.

at last.

i've got my answer, for sure.

the most definite answer i've ever got.

its time to pick myself up and hope for the best.

i know i've got beautiful memories from the last 2 months.

though christmas wasn't what i expected, it's enough for me already.

with one wish down, i've got 2 more wishes:

#1. to strike gold
#2. for all my wishes to come true

and God granted me one extra wish i didn't make:

The gift of the most beautiful friends I could ever wish for



MERRY CHRISTMAS,

HAPPY BOXING DAY

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

:D

okay i am feeling like a bitch now and i'm so sad.

GOODBYE, WORLD.

i feel like i'm being used.

for everything i did, its not comparable to that stupid 2 hours on the phone. for 2 whole months of sleepless nights and thousands of messages.

i think he doesn't need me anymore.

i should have known.



since this blog is secret, i can say anything i want. and now i want to type something which i've been holding back for a very very long time:

I LOVE GARETH!

okay, but there's nothing going on with us. so whoever sees this better shush, or i'll have to kill you :D

anyway christmas is coming soon! and i haven't finished my homework. DIEEEEEE.

yeah i still love gareth. sorry victoria, i can't help it! i hope you'll slap me awake or something!



i really don't get it.

i mean, you don't have to give me such extremes even if you don't like me. you can just say it to my face then i won't bother you anymore.

i just needed an answer, was it that difficult?

i've tried my best, i've done whatever i could, i've given my all already. all i'm asking is just an answer.

please don't treat me so well, because it'll only make it harder for me to get out.

i really have no idea why i even bother sometimes. maybe i'm just afraid of upsetting you, maybe i'm just afraid of getting you angry.

but through it all, i know i still love you. i know i do. i'm just unsure about you..



anyway this post is about my dearest friend: DANELLA FOO!

okay i have know her for like, 3/5 of my life and i must say she has been awesome.

she's one of my bestest friends, the keeper of my secrets. despite us being in different classes, it has been a blessing from God to be able to be so close to her. and even when i felt the most detached from my friends, she has always been one of the few whom i constantly talk to :D

thank you for everything you've done for me and given me over the years!

you've been a really great friend. thank you for listening to me, and giving me advice too! thank you for spending time with me too! without danella, school/church/bus rides/shopping won't be the same!

thank you for everything!

I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!!! :D

9 years of friendship is really treasured and kept close to my heart.

Lot of Love,
Your friend Petrina

I WILL PICK MY FRIENDS BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE! okay, maybe i'll pick my parents first, THEN friends will be second. oh wait, maybe money will tie with the friends :D heehee.

and yes, danella is really THAT awesome :D

Hello, my name is Julienne

I will be the
most amazing girl
you'll ever meet





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