i know alot of people have been hoping for some form of answers through this blog since i was speaking the most through here over the last 3 to 4 days. i am so sorry that i didn't reply phonecalls/messages/msn conversations and even hanging up on some people. i guess this will be the first time i'm going to say what really happened, too.

today i visited my paternal grandparents' graves and i witnessed a burial. now, everybody is being cremated after they die, it is uncommon to winess a burial (unless you watch it on tv). there were 3 priests, and about 70 people gathered in the next cemetery path in the christian cemetery. i could heard them singing the Lord's prayer, how great thou art and amazing grace.

i was immediately reminded of mrs low's husband's wake when they sang amazing grace. and at that time, i was still in the depressed mood. bad combination right? but just in front of my grandfather's grave, i came to a sudden realisation about how fragile life was. yeah sure i've witnessed birth and death, but they just never clicked. even if i knew how fragile life was, i guess i forgot all about it amidst my time of distress and trouble. and then i thought of how strong mrs low was. i'm sure inside her somewhere, there's a part of her that's still aching.

why am i in depression? why am i unwilling to have treatment (i refuse to talk to people about the real problems, and i still do)? why don't i cherish all that i have? i guess it really hit me pretty hard. i didn't know an answer, but i knew how much i worried the people around me, how i've scared them so badly. so the good Lord told me to tell the people around me that i was okay. and so i did. so thank you all for making me feel a little teeny weeny bit better.

many things happened while i was away. or rather, "away".

but then again, my doctor did tell me that i would have on and off days, and it'd be difficult to cope with it along the way. i guess it was her way of telling me that i'm strong and i'll be alright. afterall, it is "temporary". who knows, maybe i'll be fine after some time, given the amount of support i have.

however, maybe this is just one of my "on" days? i don't know.

i just have a feeling that i'm not feeling as okay as i think i am anymore.

wipe away the tears to uncover the surprise beyond my imagination



okay amidst everything, i'm feeling slightly better now.

mummy gave me a piece of chocolate cake. so now i'm feeling very very full. this piece of chocolate cake is going to cost me about 30 rounds.

i'll live.



i feel utterly disgusted with myse;f. thats all i can say about myself.

when i look into the mirror, i wish i saw something else.

its not as easy as it seems to put everything down and go on saying "i'm okay" or "nothing happened" or "i'm just tired".

everyone knows i'm not okay. i don't need all of you to say it to me, or to remind me that i need help.

i need some peace and quiet in the morning. i'd rather be left alone. honestly.

everything's not so simple anymore. its scary. its so scary that i just cry everyday. i can't control my emotions.

i'm so done with everything. and now that many people know of this blog, i'm going to move soon.

i really don't like people bugging me in the morning. you could sit with me and not talk. i'm okay with that. if not, take your chatty friends away. i don't want to hear any of your converstaions. i've had enough of it.

JUST
LEAVE
ME
ALONE

I
WILL
FIND
HELP
ON
MY
OWN

if i can't do it myself, i'll cry. i'll cry until my eyes are swollen, i'll cry till my voice goes hoarse. i'll cry till my eyes burn and i'll cry till i've got no more tears.

BUT
I
DON'T
NEED
ANYONE
TO
PITY
ME
OR
BOTHER
ME

LEAVE
ME
ALONE
IN
THE
MORNINGS

I
WILL
TALK
WHEN
I
WANT
TO



many things happened today. i wouldn't say it went well, but i wouldn't say it was all that bad either.

i cried, mum cried. i ate and now i regret it. but i did a teeny bit of shopping to make myself feel slightly better and happier (though it didn't help much. i was on the verge of screaming and crying along orchard road).

i received the diagnosis today. i guess my worst fears came true, and my mom didn't see it coming. well, she just broke down. i mean, alot of things have been happening, but i just didn't really expect it to happen to me.

as much as i would love to be optimistic about my diagnosis and say that it's "temporary"and "i'll get out of it", i'm finding it difficult to come to terms with it. as strong as i might sound sometimes, i guess i'm just weaker than everyone else.

it was as though my world just came crashing down in a split second. i was hoping that the doctor wouldn't say it, but she did. her words are still ringing right through my head. i could see the fear in my mother's eyes, and it scared me.

i want to say i'm okay (because by putting this down, i think i'll be fine) but i know i'm not. i guess nobody has seen my worst yet. i've never cried so badly in public and i didn't bother about whether it was embarassing or not. i couldn't control every tear that found their way out of my eyes.

i won't know when i'll be ready, but i really do hope that i can be given some breathing space. i'm still coming to terms with the diagnosis. there's no telling when will it get better or worse, but thank you everyone for your support. i must say this before its too late and i can no longer remember what everyone has given or done for me.

i can't deal with the pressure.
i just need help.

& i still want to be thin.



i have a feeling that the people who know of this blog will be coming to read this blog.

i really don't know what is going on with me. all i do is just cry and cry and cry. it is as if my heart died already.

sorry if i scared/worried all of you, because i scare myself too. i really don't want to continue like this anymore.

i've been fighting back my last batch of tears for about a day now. i really don't wish to burden anybody with my problems and extreme moods. sorry for everything.

and before i go on, i really want to say sorry to some people.

1. steph and rachel. i guess i don't have to spell it all out, but i'm so sorry if i've irritated you both over the last few weeks.

2. camelia and renee. sorry to come to school all gloomy and make you both so worried. sorry if i took it out on you both.

3. amelia, michelle and sam. sorry if i haven't been talking lately, or if i've been too flighty. really, really sorry.

4. pat. sorry for loading you with so much of my problems and making you comfort me every other day.

5. people i talk about in school. i'm very sorry for gossiping, i'll try my very very best to quit this bad habit.

tomorrow's the day. i am scared and hesitant. as much as i don't wish to do anything, i know i need help. this is going on for far too long.

i don't want to know what you all are saying about me.

i don't want to know that you're saying 'i love you' to me without meaning it.

i don't want to be left alone.

i don't want to cry alone.

i don't want to go through anything i shouldn't be going through.

i don't want to feel unloved.

i want to be thin.



today is emo day. but today is also tatyana's birthday.

so... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TATYANA! you were such an awesome girl to talk today! sweet sixteen eh :D

on the other hand, i don't think i know myself anymore. i want to be someone else, i want to be skinny, tall and pretty. as much as i'm trying to convince myself that i love myself, i know i'm not.

as hard as i try, i simply can't make it. i'm not up to that standard. i'm going to have a mental breakdown soon. soon enough it'll teach everyone to stay away from me.

i want to be loved. i need to know i'm loved.

as much as i know i have people around me, losing one out of the many is enough to tear me up, especially you.

but nonetheless, happy birthday to those celebrating it within this week.



everything is happening too soon, with or without a reason.

have you ever felt that other people are talking and laughing at you? ever felt like they're criticising you on the quiet? have you seen their scornful eyes and the condesending look in their eyes?

one reason why i hate to walk near bengs and lians is because i'm afraid of what they think of me.

somebody, anybody, please make me laugh. i want to feel myself again.

i'm sorry darren. all i did was cry. i never learn how to do the right thing, except cry.



Hey babe,

I just wanna say how much I LOVE YOU. I was there through it all, and will always be there. I want so much t be w you, but I don't wanna force you if you don't feel t same way. I was so happy when you said yes, but I just crumbled when you took it all back. Maybe I wasn't the one, and never will be the one. I waited, I loved and I wept for you. I held you in my arms when you cried, I embraced everything you offered. I laid next t you, I watched you as you sleep. Even as friends, we had OUR song. it was so special t me, it still is. yes, I did give other girls a shot, but it was you, you were the one on my mind at all times.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you. I promise.

ILY more than any other. My body, my heart, my heart and my mind. you ARE the most amazing girl I'll ever know.

With every breath I take,
Darren







THANK YOU ALL FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES AND ALL THE PRESENTS!

i really love all of them!!!!

And thank you the sevens for being there with me today for lunch, especially my dearest renee for coming to hug me although she was sooooooooo sick.

my birthday was a blast! thank you everyone for singing the birthday songs like, COUNTLESS TIMES (CAMELIA!!!)! THANK YOU ALL! I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU!

oh and THANKS FOR REMEMBERING ME IN YOUR POSTS! :D

anyway, here's what renee (the funny ass) said on monday during the first 2 periods of amath lesson when we had absolutely no mood to do amaths....

"Won't it be so cool if Mr Teh comes up with a new formula, and call it the 'Teh-tagoras' or 'The Teh Theorem'!"

HAHAHAHA! thats not all....

"And maybe if I find out some ulu part of my body, I'll name it the Hoop of Thong!"

HAHAHAHA! if some of you are wondering why the second statement was so funny, you have to learn biology to understand. well, i shall do a brief explanation. in your kidney, there's a strusture called the Loop of Henle, and it was discovered by Henle. so if you understand....

ISN'T RENEE SUCH A DARLING!

I LOVE THE SEVENS! :D



THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR COMING TO MY PARTY!


i was so happy and so overjoyed! firstly, i must thank everybody who made it a success! my PARENTS, the people at SGCC, the cool dudes who came down early to help me pump my balloons(!), my cousins who were the emcees, the awesome photographer, my relatives who took time off to celebrate my birthday with me, AND THE AWESOME FRIENDS WHO TURNED UP! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE WELL WISHES AND PRESENTS AND HUGS!


it was a blast! my decorations went well! i am really so so glad! thank you for doing the decorations guys! thank you so so much! i hope the food was good and i hope everybody enjoyed themselves!

well, SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED! i think i kind of had a wardrobe malfunction. i kept having my bra exposed a little. HAHAHA I SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN A BRA LAH! okay now now thats just wrong. but other than that, i was half excited and half stressed! i was running around EVERYWHERE! and i really had so many pictures taken! thanks alot sam (the photographer). i am so happy! it is my first party in 16 years and i'm so glad that it went well!

for starters, i was freaking out at around 3 pm because NOBODY was there to help me! mummy was with popo, which left me with daddy. so daddy helped me to put up the sweet sixteen banners etc etc, and it wasn't so bad! it looked gorgeous actually! :D and then he left to collect some stuff so basically, I WAS ALONE! i pumped about 20 ballons (out of the 200, mind you) and my life savers came! BRENDA, ELIZABETH AND MATILDA!!!! then came crystal lim, eleanor and germaine. then sam low, camelia and alex came! OH! then steph and rachel came as well. and then sam and crystal how. so we managed to put up all the decorations and made it look classy. thanks guys!

so the night started! it was party time! the friends and relatives started streaming in! camelia, alex and sam low were sitting at the guest table. then amelia, rachel fan and danella were in the hall together with another 20 people? OH THEN VICTORIA AND DEBORAH CAME! sigh i haven't seen her in an awfully long time!

more and more people came. and my parents FINALLY made their appearance. they were "fashionably late" (as what renee would say). and kenneth + sebastian + oliver + uncle stephen were helping me to entertain the crowd. BUT BUT BUT, THEY PICKED THE WRONG TIME! i was JUST ABOUT TO EAT and i got sabo-ed on stage. well i NEARLY had a stage fright! but it think everything went well.

CUTTING CAKE TIME! i had an awesome birthday song! i was so super happy! everyone was around me on the stage. i felt so so loved! thank you all so much guys! cutting the cake and then daddy + mummy came to cut cake with me. sigh thank you so much!

then we continued eating and all. so many things happened, so much so i couldn't remember everything! i just know that i was sabo-ing steph + rachel wong and ray was a hit with all the girls! he was awesomely cute! everybody has got to agree on this!

i'll upload the pictures when i got them.

to everyone, thank you for giving me such a memorable sweet sixteen. I LOVE YOU ALL!



I AM SO EXCITED!

my party is just 2 days away! and the worst part is that i haven't started on my homework yet. but most of the things are ready, i've prepared my buestbook/scrapbook, party favours, bought decorations, bought dress and now all i have to do it do the decorations and get my music ready! YAY!!!!!!

i bet alot of people are as excited as i am! i totally cannot wait!

for those people who are coming late/early/to help, here's the plan for the day:

2.30pm - Start deco/sound check (if we end early then you can come to my house to change up)

5.30pm - Arrival of the birthday cake

6.00pm - prepare the guestbook + party favours, finishing touches

6.30pm - people are going to start coming!

8.30pm - CUTTING THE CAKE!

and anybody who wants to play games/be the emcee etc etc please let me know! :D

----------

AND I AM ULTRA EXCITED BECAUSE I'M GOING TO MEET ELIZABETH CHUA AND BRENDA KOR TODAY!!!!!! HOW EXCITING IS IT?!?!?!?! we're going to the glass house! YAY!

my birthday dress is silver and i'll be pairing it with purple shoes and earrings! i'm soooooooo excited y'know! i hope everything's going to run smoothly!

and anybody wants to listen to music/make music dedications please let me know, i MIGHT be able to do something about it. well, i'll try my best, if not you bring your ipod/cd then we'll play it.

and i really need loads of help for my decorations on friday! please inform me if you can make it to help! i'll be there at 2.30pm, Serangoon Gardens Country Club - Heliconia Room. if you are coming, please bring a pair of scissors and balloon pumps (if you have). thanks alot!

AND NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO LEAVE UNTIL I'VE CUT THE CAKE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! you guys have to check out the cake (or rather, the candles).

and guess what, you guys will most probably be able to see my 2 lovable nephews!

and before i forget, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL THE MARCH BABIESSSSSSSSSSS!

------------

and now, that fucking whore bitch will burn in hell. i've started on my letter already :D all she has to do is.... thread on my toes more and offend me. so i pray she'll be sacked soon! like i said, i'll fight fire with fire. and good will ALWAYS win. WHOOPEEDOO!

i love myself
-hugs myself-



anyway, to cut the story short...

I
WENT
OUT
WITH
CAMELIA
YESTERDAY!

:D

we, okay maybe i, bought so much stuff! ballons, candles, sweet sixteen stuff :D so happy!

I DESIGNED THIS MYSELF DUDES! :D

okay anyway right, when we were going home, SIX 65 BUSES CAME WITHIN HALF AN HOUR AND NO 133 BUSES CAME AT ALL. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! but i really enjoyed talking to camelia. THANKS CAMELIA!

-------------

i had the worst day on friday, all thanks to that fucking whore bitch. its her retribution that she's not married. she'll be an old spinster with 127 cats. and the worst part, she'll be poor all her life. she is so ugly because her heart is ugly. i always believe that you face reflects you heart. when you're kind hearted and happy, you look radiant and gorgeous. but when you're like that fucking whore, you will look exactly like her. wait, no one would want to fuck her even if she's a whore. i know i'm mean but its really how i feel.

my blood is boiling and i'm so glad that i have a life which is so much better than hers. she may be smart, but whats the use of having these qualifications when we higly doubt your integrity and moral values? wait, i forgot, you have none. and by the way, don't talk about pride and dignity, you weren't born with any.

i thank you for putting me through so much torture, so that i can formulate and intricate plan to oust you from my sanctuary and that'll teach you not to thread on my toes. women would be your downfall, and i'd be the epitome of your fears. thank you for not giving me the chance, so that i would not have to constantly be at your beck and call. i can't be your dog that follows you around because you're already a dog. however, if you need someone to lead you, i suggest you go get a trainer. you need to know how to have EMOTIONS and sensitivity. humans can't help you because you've got the brain of a bird, the heart of a dog and the temper of a wild beast. you are not an ordinary homosapien, you are a monster. you are the monster we all want to overcome.

we will get you down. we will unite and petition against you. be afraid, be very afraid. good will always triumph over evil (which is you). even your supporters cannot help you. the good and righteous will bring you down. you disgust me. you are the worst of human kind. obviously you have learnt NOTHING from your education, except the academics. the hatred i have for you would not be extinguished even if you were dismembered. but why would i want to kill you? it'll be letting you off too easily. i'll make hell for you. i'll drive you to insanity. i'll torture you the way you tortured me. i'll pay you back with your own coin. i'll drive you into your own guilt and you'll see how devious you are.

you'll be too afraid to look at yourself in the mirror because you look like a witch. crows feet, wrinkled skin, dark eye rings would be nothing, because you will look ugliest due to the makeup of your heart. your heart is filled with schemes and ways to torture us, you will lose. humanity will win i assure you.

you're not worthy to be even called a dog. because dogs are man's bestfriends. and you, you're nothing but just a lowly cockroach.

get my point? my plan is underway. you had better not offend me anymore or your iron rice bowl would be broken by my hatred because you've incurred my wrath. and i applaud you for being the one and only one to be able to do that. so you shall be a warning to all. but then again, i despise you for being a follower of the mainstream. you're a shrew, and i'll fight fire with fire.

Hello, my name is Julienne

I will be the
most amazing girl
you'll ever meet





December 2007
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