julienne
Saturday, December 29, 2007
i feel like as though a rock has crushed me. i don't want to ever do anything again. these 7 months have been the best and worst. i really felt so much like a loser, crying everyday like nobody's business.
when i was alone, i cried. when i was bored, i cried. when i was thinking, i cried. when i slept, i cried. when i was talking to friends online, i cried. when i was on the phone, i cried. while i anticipated, i cried. when i knew what was going to happen, i cried. when i drank, i cried. when i didn't drink, i cried. when i was sad, i cried. when i was happy, i cried. when i knew that i thought too much, i cried. when i was hurt, i cried. when i didn't eat, i cried. after i ate, i cried.
i have cried an ocean in the last few days. i spent half my time crying instead of loving myself. i spent more than half a year on nothing, and when my heart was broken, i cried. i cried so hard that my eyes couldn't even open. they hurt when i touched them, and they had a burning sensation. i can't help but cry when someone says things to comfort me or try to make me laugh. it makes me cry even more when they call me up to hear me cry. i spend half the time sobbing and screaming into the phone.
as i type this, i can feel another round of tears overflowing from my eyes. first i start by sniffing and by saying that i won't cry. then the tears start flowing and won't stop.
my heart was so heavy over the last few days. i forced the best smile i could, hoping that no-one would see through me and leave me in tears again. why did i even bother to hide? if i was sad, i should've just shown it. why did i hide alone to cry? i should have shared my pain. but with who?
nobody is responsible for this pain i've inflicted on myself. why did i allow myself to sink in deeper and deeper? why did i allow myself to cry all the time? or rather, why did i NOT restrain my tears.
i'd rather you be indifferent to me, then i could get mad at you, hate you and finally let go of you. but everytime i'm told something, i can't help but smile because that's the way you are. i cried when i was assured, i cried when i was touched, and now i'm crying because of the heartbreak. i cried for everything i thought i knew and didn't know, i cried for everything i had. i cried for everything we shared, i cried for all the memories.
my heart was there, and it's nobody's fault that things turned out this way. it had always been a one-sided thing. my heart had been ripped apart too many a times, it had been broken and it had been put in the most fragile position possible, only to crumble at the slightest thing that touches it.
my heart skipped every other beat, it dropped and it was stabbed by a knife only to be viciously ripped out. i was torn apart when i knew about things, and the only thing i did was to tell my friends and cry. i said i hated you and i said that i was angry with you, but never once did it ever happen. i said i was never going to talk to you again, i said i wasn't going to talk to you until you spoke to me.. but that never happened once.
i thought it'd be easy to let go of you when i knew your answer, but i'm still in denial and it is harder than i expected it to be. i don't know how to face you, how to face my friends and how to even face myself. i'm so ashamed of myself for everything i've done.
and i'll be honest here, whatever little self-confidence i had left has disappeared already. no matter what everyone says, about how lovable, adorable or nice my smile is, it's never going to make me feel the same way about myself again.
i've played with fire and it was never anybody's fault.
