feeling better
Sunday, March 30, 2008
i know alot of people have been hoping for some form of answers through this blog since i was speaking the most through here over the last 3 to 4 days. i am so sorry that i didn't reply phonecalls/messages/msn conversations and even hanging up on some people. i guess this will be the first time i'm going to say what really happened, too.
today i visited my paternal grandparents' graves and i witnessed a burial. now, everybody is being cremated after they die, it is uncommon to winess a burial (unless you watch it on tv). there were 3 priests, and about 70 people gathered in the next cemetery path in the christian cemetery. i could heard them singing the Lord's prayer, how great thou art and amazing grace.
i was immediately reminded of mrs low's husband's wake when they sang amazing grace. and at that time, i was still in the depressed mood. bad combination right? but just in front of my grandfather's grave, i came to a sudden realisation about how fragile life was. yeah sure i've witnessed birth and death, but they just never clicked. even if i knew how fragile life was, i guess i forgot all about it amidst my time of distress and trouble. and then i thought of how strong mrs low was. i'm sure inside her somewhere, there's a part of her that's still aching.
why am i in depression? why am i unwilling to have treatment (i refuse to talk to people about the real problems, and i still do)? why don't i cherish all that i have? i guess it really hit me pretty hard. i didn't know an answer, but i knew how much i worried the people around me, how i've scared them so badly. so the good Lord told me to tell the people around me that i was okay. and so i did.
so thank you all for making me feel a little teeny weeny bit better.
many things happened while i was away. or rather, "away".
but then again, my doctor did tell me that i would have on and off days, and it'd be difficult to cope with it along the way. i guess it was her way of telling me that i'm strong and i'll be alright. afterall, it is "temporary". who knows, maybe i'll be fine after some time, given the amount of support i have.
however, maybe this is just one of my "on" days? i don't know.
i just have a feeling that i'm not feeling as okay as i think i am anymore.
wipe away the tears to uncover the surprise beyond my imagination
