it has been 2 months since i last posted, so it's as good as not having a blog. anyway, many things have hit me recently.

i seem to have come face to face with death once again. if not face to face, then almost near.

2 of my friend's parents are ill. one of which is in a coma, the other has cancer. my tuition teacher's dad also has cancer. my other tuition teacher's friend died of pneumonia.

you see the fragility of life? i'm just shocked at how fast things changed. it wasn't too long ago when i left, but many things have started to come back.

my meetings with the psychologist has helped me a little, but there are time when i just need a break, to get away from many things. i just need to know what has happened to me. why have i become like this. all i do is make people worry. i'd rather they just give up on me, because i've almost given up on myself.

i'm really prepared to say goodbye.

i haven't spoken to steph for more than 10 weeks now, and i'm surprised about how unaffected i am. in fact, i'm glad at the numbness that i feel. everything is just happening. now, i don't feel the extremes. my mood just twitches around without feeling extremely happy. but feeling extremely sad is another story altogether.

i'm sick and tired of myself crying every other day.

and as much as i want to say that val will always be my bestfriend, i just have to admit that someday i'll have to let her go. she's really changed and i don't feel as much as i used to. i may be imortant, but no longer as important. it is time to let her go and have her freedom, and it'll be today. i've had her for 4 years, and i think its enough.

i've made a decision, and i don't want to cry or regret it.

i'm just sorry that i couldn't have you.

happy birthday. i loved you.



okay it's been forever since i've updated this place, and now only ONE person (other than me) knows that this place exists.

the past few week has been.. so-so. not that great, but still live-able. had a couple of run-ins with undesirable situations, but then again, who doesn't? but going for lunch with tiara today made me happier.

well many things have really happened over the past few weeks. hormones lingering waaaaaay longer than they should, mood swings wilder than they should be, and i realised that i really have a problem.

as much as i need some people back, i realised that they're gone forever.

and this would probably be the first time i'll say this, but i'm afraid. i'm really afraid, not knowing what to do, and how i'll turn out to be. the thoughts in my head, the words that i say, and things that i do... sometimes it scares me.

but sometimes, i'm just relieved. for example, i don't have ugly names. i'm pretty much satisfied with my names.

i'll be seeing dr. soh and dr. chu on tuesday and wednesday respectively. i can't help but to sense some worry.

sigh.

oh, happy friday the 13th.



nobody ever bothers anymore.

but just so you know, i am a FRIEND, not a BACKUP.

there is a great difference between a friend and a backup. a friend is somebody that you trust, a backup is just who you run to after forsaking when you realise that nobody wants you.

yeah whatever, i don't really see myself as a friend anymore. you know very well that you're treating me as a backup. you know it. you just come to me to ask me about chapters that's tested for the midyears.

WHATEVER. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING A BACKUP. ERGH.

i am so fucking pissed okay.

yeah yeah call me "emotionally unstable" and all that shit, I DON'T CARE. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THAT I HATE THE WAY YOU ARE NOW.

I FEEL CHEATED
I FEEL LIKE I NEVER KNEW YOU
I FEEL LIKE NOBODY REALLY CARES

AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE A FUCKING BACKUP

and for the record, I AM YOUR FRIEND. if you don't do anything about it, i'll be saying "I was your friend".



went for the follow up with the doctors at kkh.

well, i realised that many things happened for reasons that i may not even know of, and that there's nothing i can do about them.

i think one of the best examples has presented itself. i guess many know what i'm talking about.

you can't hurry love,
neither can you stop it.

but is it really love?

school is VERY tiring. but then everyone's feeling it too. so if they can do it, i can do it too.

and by the way, our b div netball team got the second placing in the nationals! and c div came in first! wellllll done!

and lisa is being really, really dumb (as usual).

ho ho.

i just crab. and i just realised that i don't really fancy crabs. my lucky future husband, no need to spend money on sri lankan crabs! i heard they feed on human meat.

OH GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

SEE WHO STILL WANTS TO EAT SRI LANKAN CRAB! EAT LAH, EAAAAAAAAT, ALL YOU CANNIBALS!

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!



i am not prepared for school.

and the chantings from the void deck is giving me a headache and i can feel my stupid fever coming back. sometimes i feel like converting the whole world to become catholics so that there won't be all these weird chantings that cause my headaches.

guess what. i don't have dengue fever or any infection, but i've had fevers for 5 days already. this viral fever is killing me.

i haven't spoken to probably 99% of the people i know for 5 days already. i can forsee the problem i'm going to face when i go back.

i've spent a lot of time thinking over the last few days. and nothing came out of it. i think, and then i cry. and the crying doesn't stop.

whatever is happening to me doesn't look too good.

i also feel quite cheated. i guess nobody will actually know how i'm feeling. afterall, nobody even knows of this blog.

as secret as it can get, i'm not sure if i want to keep a blog anymore.

i'm quite sick and tired of everything already. i don't really care anymore.

Social studies kills.



okay screw it.

i'm the only person who knows of this new blog anyway. i'm getting so pissed with everybody and i don't know why.

i'm pushing everyone away from me. all i ever do is just keep to myself.

i've been MIA for about 5 days now. i guess i'm not surprised how people have decided not to msg me anymore. i guess its a good thing in a way, so that i won't hurt them by ignoring them.

tomorrow is really going to be a bad day. i haven't been in school since wednesday. i don't know how to catch up, neither do i know how to talk to my friends anymore.

it was an overdose of sadness and tears, anger and pain, disgust and remorse. i don't know what came over me, but all i know is that when it comes, nobody escapes it.

i'm trying so hard not to let my parents know, but it doesn't seem to be working one bit. each time i don't flare up, it gets worse.

its a devious monster in me.



oh shit.

guess what, i'm not dead yet.

sorry to those who wished i were dead and would disappear.

i think i have an overdose of medication.

and by the way, nobody has to fake concern for me just to make yourself feel better. i don't really care. no point asking if you don't mean it.

don't pretend. it isn't worth it. not the least.

i'll make sure i'll disappear.

once again, GOODBYE.

Hello, my name is Julienne

I will be the
most amazing girl
you'll ever meet





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